Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Some good ones and some bad ones

I'm beginning to feel overwhelmed, like I can't handle this job I've been given...the job of parenting a child who has so many more needs. I know this doesn't come out right, because I love and adore my little girl (and my son) more then anything on this earth, but it just feels like too much. I still can't really understand why us sometimes. Why not us is really the more fair and real question...I mean really, why not us? We are good caring people who can love this child like no other, but why Kaela...This poor little girl is so sweet and innocent, why do this to her? I know and understand that things could be worse. I really do, on a personal level, I understand that...I've met those that have it worse and would probably take my problems over their problems any day...but at this moment in time that does not make it any easier. I feel like I'm about to break...but it's weird because I don't feel like it's been leading up to this. I mean I know I have some days where I'm more sad then others, but I don't feel like I've been in this downward spiral. Maybe because I don't have the time to think about it. I just start each day the same and do what I have to do to help provide for my beautiful family. I always will of course, I just feel like I need a moment for myself. To breath and RELAX. I worry so much that it becomes hard to sleep and then I have to come to work and then go home and care for my family...and those lovely doctor's apts. inbetween. I always wanted to be a mother, and love the job more then anything. It's by far my greatest acheivement and by far the most difficult job I have ever had. Then you throw all the things Kaela goes through and has to go through and it at times seems impossible to do. It's so hard to look at her and know all the horrible things she will have to go through and there's nothing I can do to prevent it. The spine surgeries, the PT on her poor tight joints, the people who point with their fingers or their stares, and make those obnoxious comments, and any pain she will go through both emotionally and physically. I know she will grow up with so much love. She will know what it feels like to be loved and know how it feels to love...but that alone doesn't take away all the worries. I come home and see this little girl who is so happy and sweet and just feel so guilty sometimes. I want her to have it easy, or as easy as it can possibly be for someone in this world. I'm so thankful for our son. Not because he's the 'average child' but because Kaela has him and us. I know what a loving sweet child he is and know he will look out for her. I suppose I don't know anything about the future for sure, but I belive it. I know the way they look at each other now and know that behind those eyes within that complex little body of theirs there is so much love to be shared. The way they laugh with each other and at each other tells it all. So I am grateful for having Will their too. (for Kaela and for so many other reasons too of course). I know we all have our moments or days..(or weeks..months). however long it takes, and maybe today is just mine. I know I will forever worry about both of my children. Isn't it somewhere in the unwritten handbook of parenthood- you worry worry worry. And usually for nothing, right? I can only hope that one day Kaela will look at me and say how happy she is and I will look back and say- all that worrying for what? I am not a negative person, I do believe my children will be happy because we will raise them to be proud of who they are and accept ourselves and others for the good and the bad. We all have our own issues...I love my little bean so much and wouldn't trade her or the things she comes with for anything...Those of you who know Kaela know this :) She's a doll. And those of you who are going through the same things...I'm sure can understand some of this more then others...the ups and downs...I know we will get through this. I know I will get through this and I KNOW Kaela will...that's what matters I suppose. Both of my children bring a whole new level of love to my life every single day. You wonder how could it get better...and then all of a sudden they do something as little as look at you with a half smile on their face and you only gets better. Each and every day it gets better. Watching your child grow (as fast or slow as it may be) is the most amazing adventure in life. So on that note...As hard as one day or one week may be....I know I have to be one of the luckiest people in this crazy world!


The Johnson Family 5 said...

We all have these days and I think we always will. Why us? Why our child? I don't think those questions will ever be answered, but our children are so very lucky to have us for parents! We care! There are so many children in the world whose parents just don't care. I think we will be surprised at how OK they are in life. They will have to deal with a lot more than the average child, but hopefully it will make them more compassionate, caring human beings! Keep your chin up! Kaela is so lucky to have you as her mommy!!

Catherine Merciez Wright said...

Add on top of everything, guilt for feeling down about our situation. You shouldn't have to apologize for having your down days. I have them too. Everyone has them. I agree with Katie. I think we will be suprised at how OK our kids are. I think we may have a tougher time than they will.
Take care!